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Tuesday, 09 February 2010

  • the record keeps playing the same old song

    i thought everything was going pretty okay. till uni apps started. it doesn't help i came back a week ago, played my ass off, and now i have deadlines to rush

    i'm so overwhelmed by my own thoughts it's actually pretty scary. i can no longer think in coherent flowing thoughts.
    it's all a mess. i want to do so many things in life, they're all pretty centered around a certain aspect of careers. but it's still. SO. BROAD. it wasn't this confusing deciding A levels or IB. in fact it took me a bus ride to decide on it really. i just got on a bus and decided to apply for that school and if i didn't get in i'd fall back on my JC, and it didn't really matter where i ended up. i was pretty scared. but i had no decisions or factors to consider. i'm pretty tempted to do that now, just pick an obscure course and do something outrageous and on the edge because i'm always doing shit like that. but i can't it's my future, my ricebowl my life. i live alone now, and i know how dangerous it is to keep going i used to live by. just basing everything on impulse. on several occasions they were pretty lucky reckless decisions, but on others, i think i still live with regret till this day. i've realized how unpredictable life is, and how life takes you by the hand and you really don't know it did that. the next thing you know you're in a another place so fast so foreign and you're really just left to adapt to it. i guess with full no parental supervision it really takes a toll on your life, you can really do whatever the hell you want, no hostel curfews, no questions, it's not like you have a dorm mate to know what's going on in your life. no one is going to know exactly where you are where you've been, you can make it up along the way, you can deny your locations, or you could not. so if there's anyone out there yearning for complete freedom and individual decisions, chances are kid, you're not going to get it. because complete freedom is sometimes a prison cell, and individual decisions don't exist, you're always affect by something else. trust me when i say, if you've got someone in the next room, it makes a world of difference. whether he/she's screaming his/her ass off because your room is messy, you ate their snacks, you have the tv on too loud.

    the sounds of irritation are more soothing than the sounds of silence.

    the world of freedom as tempting as it is, is a world of solitude and confusion. it's torturous and confining. you realize the true meaning of fending for yourself, and being the only person in the world. the world of freedom is a prison cell with a paradise garden wallpaper. it's a 4 by 6 room filled with illusion and deception. it's overwhelming, it's exhilarating, it's what you would call a sinful delight, because it's got it's consequences you couldn't imagine.

    the desire of freedom, is a precarious desire.

Friday, 05 February 2010

  • nobody said it was easy. no one ever said it would this hard

    i'm not ready for this. growing up. i think i've resisted it long enough it's come back to haunt me.
    i have such strong negative emotions about the matter it's starting to hurt.
    a combination of highs and lows. 2010 you didn't say you promised, but i thought it was a silent agreement
    things weren't supposed to be like this. it's quite a mess really
    the world seems to be moving on way too fast. i'm not sure where i stand. on the train or on the platform
    am i changing as fast as the world, or am i standing on the platform and noticing the change.
    it's such a mess i'm not sure where to start picking the pieces up from
    i'm missing too many people, crying too much and skipping a few too many essentials.
    sometimes i scream out loud"why is this happening" except i'm not sure who to point it at.
    i've imagined God might say something like" for a reason, everything will tide over"
    my aprents might say "this is what life is"
    my friends might say " it'll all be okay/it's just how it goes/"
    what happens when faith and comfort just doesn't do it anymore,
    i think i've had too much dosage of sunday school answers, blunt straightforward wake up calls, comfort hugs and wise words.
    what happens when you put everything you've got in the hands of something you believe in and all you have left is trust. what's after all the trust and waiting for something good to happen
    when nothing fixes anything and you watch as everything breaks, you get too used to the feeling you almost expect it every single time.

    there comes a point i think where giving up or fighting till all you've got just doesn't do it anymore.
    where you're not sure whether to stop or keeping running. you're not sure where to draw the line or what to say.

    what do you do with all this trust and faith and hope? get used to all the disappointment, appreciate the happiness, live with the circular motion of life? give up trust faith and hope? garner more trust faith and hope?

    i just want to feel sincerely like everything is going to work out, that the tough times will tide over and that's it. not everything needs to be okay at this very moment. but okay that i can do this, that as long as i keep going, it will. it's simple and it isn't hope or belief it's really just looking forward. i don't wish that everything is going to be okay, i know it. but this things is i don't. all i'm stuck with is intangible concepts of life.
    i just learnt a new yaghan word, it's pretty much how i feel, i don't know if i'm using it correctly, but this is my blog, i get to have as many grammatical and spelling errors i want. i'm pretty sure it's wrong though(since it's between 2 people), but
    the world and i : mamihlapinatapai

    i'm not ready for this, i'm not ready for anything. i've never been ready. 2010 came and i wasn't ready for it. i'm tired of lying about so many things
    i'm sincerely pleading to life, please just stop playing with me and help me out. because i'm too old for running away, and too young to solve everything. it's too overrated to turn emo, too rebellious to turn punk, too hypocritcal to turn righteous, too stupid to screw off everything and spew vulgarities.

    i have no idea what i want, or what i'm aiming for. what this means.
    the only thing i know is that everything isn't okay, i miss my parents, and
    INAH.

Thursday, 28 January 2010

  • Nights when the heat had gone out We danced together alone

    Go on ahead and love the world. love every single bit of it. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and watch the the fireworks of light behind your eyelids. you live in two worlds and your eyes are the door.open your eyes and obsever the fluttering butterflies, breathe out and sink into relaxation, feel your muscles relax.
    love every single moment of the world we exist in. because we can.
    just don't expect the world to love you back.

    i think i've realized some every important lessons around here. they've happened suddenly, or as you might label it as an epiphany. but i've made a new resolution that's going to be hard to stick with. it's probably oing to be the most difficult thing to do too.but i think it's time i switch back to be positive. not miss sunshine with rainbows and candy flying out of my ass. i don't need to be ecstatic when good things come my way, nor do i need to lie to myself that everything will be okay when things get bad. i don't want to be a cold heart, and shove everything aside, shifting my attention from the things that sadden me. neither is it just seeing the positive side of things.
    i want the courage to face things, perseverance to carry on and objectivity to control my moods. because God knows how temperamental and hard hearted i've been about the wrong times at the wrong time. it's time to just look things in the eye realize that it's in front of me. it's time to stop complaining about how my is life so hard, before realizing there are people who have it worse. all this stops, because i've come to find, every night i lie and i think what's the point. and it's come to my realization. there is no point. there's no point throwing your temper, getting depressed. in the end it really just comes down to, what's the point.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Monday, 25 January 2010

  • i'm having the sickest feeling, where my insides are messy,
    when i lie on my bed i can't get to sleep, my eyelids are heavy
    my eyes are dry, i can no longer fake a smile, nothing feels good.
    there's an upturn in my insides. i feel as if my blood is flowing the wrong way
    everything is going against the normality of function. this wasn't supposed to happen
    i wasn't supposed to be 15 again. being 15 was supposed to be a one time thing.